My mind was everywhere but where it was supposed to be. Who cares about mixed media prints or upcoming assignments when you were sitting right there? We were both longing to talk to each other after weeks of being apart. I desperately wanted you to come talk to me… But when there was a chance, you were focused on something else. Perhaps the timing just wasn’t right, but it’s adorable watching you try to make it so.

It’s been a long time since our last conversation, which had been one that plagued me for days. It was confusing, but sweet all at once. Is that what love is supposed to be? One big confusing but sweet memory? All of those memories of our mishaps just seemed to disappear, and in its spot lingered the sound of your voice and the smell of your neck. But next to those were worries about our future. I was anxious. I know I shouldn’t be, after all, this is only the beginning of our journey.. If I can call it that.

The beginning of our story was one that dragged over the time span of two years.. in fact, this is still only the beginning and it will continue to be for another three. The middle can easily surpass that, and the end… will be very far down the line. I am, without a doubt in my mind, confident in this entire process. Because I know who you are, how charming your smile is, how perfectly compatible our tastes are, and how determined I am. But life is unpredictable. It’s not a simple equation, it is one with millions and billions of variables. I guess it’s good that I’m good at solving those. I trust you completely, but my mind was so bothered by the sheer chance of an accident of some proportion that would change everything. It’s in my nature to want to speed things up and know how things end. But I don’t control time. Nor do I control my own desires, I suppose. In the past I’ve always wanted to slow things down, and now that I’ve gotten that… I want to speed things up. I want to see how we end up, how happy we are. And if all these risks are worth it. Slowing things down was what I’ve wanted in the past but never seemed to be able to attain. Now my significant other is finally the one who wants to lengthen the process… and it’s the only person I’ve been this sure about. I’m not doubting us at all. “Us“… what a nice concept… 

I know I’ve mentioned love before… with other people. It’s not that you’re my first love. But certain loves are just bigger than others. Certain loves make more sense in the big picture. Certain loves are more meaningful. Certain loves are truthful, selfless, and without doubt. I believe, with all my heart, that that’s you.

I know that in the far off future, if this doesn’t necessarily work, it’s a wound I may never recover from. But I trust you so much that it’s apparent that it has to work. For a few days it was a problem that worried me. But I don’t anymore, not when I’m around you. Sometimes when I haven’t seen you in a few days, I would worry about those things. That you may lose interest, and I would be devastated. But once I see how charming your smile is, how sweet and sensitive you are, I don’t worry anymore. Being around you makes me unbelievably trusting…

Regardless of my own worries, I know that we’ll end up okay. Bad things shouldn’t happen to good people. Disney films taught me that. You and I are good people, and we suit each other better than I could have imagined.

Remember when we had a long period of time where we shared brief moments of smiles and laughter every day, but we were both too distracted to acknowledge it? It was blissful. But that one moment where we both just let go, and as a friend of ours asked for help and you offered a one word answer that absolutely blew my mind, we looked straight at each other and laughed for a perfect minute. Outsiders would have saw it and thought nothing of it, but you and I are special, and I could see it from that singular moment. It was a real smile, real laughter. One shared not only among friends, but also among lovers. We smiled at each other identically and I had the desire to stand up from my seat, bend over the desk and kiss you on the cheek. But perhaps it would have been too conspicuous. 

I don’t know how you can be so perfect for me. But there isn’t any pressure that you’re “too” perfect. This isn’t about our future, or our finances, or our parents… It’s about you. And it’s about me. Simple as that. It’s about right now. None of the rest matters. I can see us having a great future, with good finances and sharing good memories with our parents… I can see my mother reprimanding me for falling so hard for you so young. But that’s besides the point. You’re perfect. I don’t care about your career choices, and how it’ll affect me. It doesn’t matter. I don’t see us as a business deal. It isn’t a question of whether your decisions will benefit me or not. I don’t question your abilities or wonder if you have the potential. You’ll try your best, as you always do, and that’s that.

It’s funny how my life has simplified ever since you appeared. Well, not exactly when you appeared but when you really entered my life. That was the moment things fell into place.

You taught me one of the most important things I’ve learned in a while. I’m not referring to how you create a control dialog, or how you manipulate a trigonometric identity, but about myself. During those days of confusion about you and I, I realized how much I’ve grown. I wasn’t insecure and blaming myself for your lack of romance. I knew it wasn’t my fault, and for once, I actually  believed it. I realized that you were an amazing person, and if it weren’t meant to be, it was simply because the timing wasn’t right. That I have more to offer the world, and that you wanted to find some different offers. I was okay. Not just okay. I was great. I was alone, but I wasn’t lonely. I stopped being scared of being alone. Being alone was actually acceptable in my mind. I appreciated myself. I realized that I didn’t need acceptance to feel accepted. 

But once the truth came out it couldn’t go back in. I learned that you were mine, and my offers were exactly the ones you were looking for. It couldn’t have been a coincidence that you and I fell for one another at the exact same time. You were yourself around me, and I was finally myself around you. Once I fixed my own broken spirit, you were there to see it. My vulnerability wasn’t one I wanted to show, but being around you made it unbearably easy to. I tried to hide it, but you made me feel comfortable.

I knew I couldn’t be wrong about it, because of your actions and those tiny glances between you and I that I couldn’t erase from my memory. But I had the rational theory that you couldn’t possibly like me, because I’ve never seen you be interested in any girl in all two years that I’ve known you. I know that you act like a gentleman around me, and your charming smile must mean more… But my rational mind persisted and I chose to dismiss my own instinctive nature and believe that you weren’t interested. I was okay though. You didn’t have to be interested in me for me to be special. I know you’re special. I know I’m special. It was just a shame we couldn’t be special together.

But well, my instinct was right, wasn’t it?

I guess that’s the thing you taught me.. to trust my instinct. To trust myself better, to know myself better, and to see that the way you treat me isn’t purely platonic. It’s so subtle that most people can’t see. But I did, subconsciously. Once the denial ended, you and I started. 

Would it ever be possible for either of us to find something or someone better than what we have now? Perhaps, but I wouldn’t want to take that chance… I don’t think you do either. I never want to let go, unless I have to. And up until that moment, I’ll fight against anything threatening the potential of “us”. Until that threat appears, you have me. And until then, I have you. 

(Source: fractionmagazine)